In those unguarded moments
by Pearl Aubrey Rebusada
July 13, 2017

I am a shrinking violet. I grew up introverted. I was a victim of bullying. I was the favorite subject of bullies to have mock. Even in my own family, I never felt secured. I felt abandoned and unloved.

 

My introversion worsened as years passed by. I became afraid of people, especially boys, for they were my number one bullies. I came to a point where even just talking to a cashier or saleslady terrifies me. It was so hard to live that it resulted to building walls. I built walls around me, not letting anyone to tear them down.
The scars that the wounds left me weren’t completely healed when I entered the joined a community for young adults. I didn’t know what pushed me to enter the youth camp because I don’t like being with people.

 
But the Lord always works in mysterious ways. He sometimes works in ways we cannot comprehend. As I started my journey with Him, I was so afraid; I had to deal with a lot of people. What have I gotten myself into? I asked Him, “Lord, why did you lead me here?” but He seemed silent. Nevertheless, I continued serving Him.

 


It was easy at first because I was just staying low-key. I was just a member going with the flow. Until such time, I was invited to be a part of a bigger assignment. I kept on saying no. Being a servant leader means more interaction with people. I was hesitant at first but I ended up saying yes. It took me a lot of time to understand what the Lord was doing with my life. When I said yes, I had lots of breaking moments. Moments where I let my guard down; where I let myself become vulnerable.

 
And in those unguarded moments, I found the answer to my ‘why.’ The Lord’s message for me was very simple, “I don’t want you to be afraid anymore.”

 

It was then that I saw what the Lord has been working in me. He was breaking me so I can be better. He tore down the walls around me so I can serve Him more and He knew that I can only do that when I am with my co-missionaries. He taught me to be capable of loving people again and of loving my family more and letting people love me as well. It is when we allow ourselves to be open that we can clearly see the Lord and understand what He has been doing in our lives.

 

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