My human body is numb and merciless. I cannot feel anything. Sleeping is a way not to feel, but it only lasts for an hour or two.
This is the truth: my father died 4 months ago. As the heart lost its function and death became inevitable, I tried asking: how can I love again?
People keep on telling me that I am a brave and strong girl. But with the death of a loved one, those words were of no relief. My shrinking self, who is content in staying inside a four-walled room, tries to calmly make it through each day. My decisions are branching as I overwhelm my mind with thoughts. It has become a difficult task to discern who meant it when they said that they would be there for me. Loving now seems to be of no bliss, but only filled with distress and sufferings.
How can I love again?
[second_picture]
The day when my father died, God said to me through a Gospel passage: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (Jn 3:16)
God first experienced pain, why will I quit healing?
God first loved me, why will I stop loving?
All that is important to life is a process. Outputs never happen overnight and even require a lifetime of preparation. God’s master plan will always be above and beyond us. God is a God of promises. We may experience suffering, but God promises us a life of pure happiness after what we have in this world. Scars can even be flaunt off with pride as souvenirs of God’s healing grace.
In His perfect time, loving will be of greatest capacity and diversely giving it is the sweetest victory. So from now on to infinity, with utmost humility, patience will be my strongest suit.
