Criticism wisely given helps us move forward in discipline, growth and do us more good than harm. It is easily dealt by others. However, to some, criticism can be overwhelming, limiting or even impairing.
One of our panels during our title defense in college was our professor, who was known to have a great academic and personal impact on most of us due to his attention to detail. Many of us were anticipating that our documents would be reviewed to the point where some of us became concerned about the likelihood of being rejected before our turn.
And, lo and behold, after our turn was over, we were advised to change our title and participants – a huge shift. We were complaining and frowning as we closed the door behind us, oblivious to the fact that we were trying to avoid going through again all the trouble of looking for references for our paper.
Three months after graduating from college, I received a call from our program head inviting me to participate in a demo class for a part-time work at my alma mater on the same day’s afternoon.
Although I was honored and grateful to be considered, I chose to decline and made excuses about my lack of credentials, credibility, and confidence in order to hide my fears of being criticized (profs, forgive me) and of being rejected for the position.
I’ve always loved essays over other types of tests during exams, so I discovered that writing was one of the ways I could better express myself. Many of my writings, in various forms, were used in letters and notes to loved ones, for research, social media posts, on scrap paper, and as such.
But whenever I was asked to create something for a publication, a competition, or to participate in an activity related to writing or something similar, I would refuse and make an excuse. Confident that my output would not be good enough to be a winning piece, I would lose interest in writing. So many of my writings I preferred not to see the light of day.
As a result, it has caused me to remain insecure and has hampered my growth and opportunities. So, over time, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) to handle criticisms in a healthy way by:
Acknowledging feedback. More than simply acknowledging, listening to, and comprehending constructive feedback or otherwise, it may shed light on what skills, thoughts, and behaviors we can improve, retain, or jettison. It can also be an opportunity to recalibrate and should be done on a regular basis.
Never assume & always ask. There are feedbacks or criticisms that are given in a vague manner, which may cause us to fall into one of two camps: either we don’t notice that a feedback is already being laid down, or it causes confusion, causing us to become defensive. The amygdala, a part of our brain that regulates emotions, constantly scans messages to see if there is a social threat attached to them.
To put it simply, ask for clarity and specifics so you can identify which areas (if any) you will need to pay attention to. Furthermore, in addition to receiving feedback, you can actively seek it — a practice known as pulling feedback. This benefits us as learners and improves our ability to deal with criticism.
Permitting that imperfections are okay. Progress is better than perfection. Sometimes we set our standards too high while our actual quality performance is only on its subthreshold. However, our brain has the capacity to continue growing and evolving through neuroplasticity. We can strengthen and even create neural networks to improve our skill, mindset, memory, and abilities with experience, quality practice, and perseverance. As a result, we are more confident and at ease with the progression of our output over time.
Also, if everyone and everything is perfect, we should all be self-actualized, if not omnipotent. No one will ever strive to be better or use their gifts to get us to where we are now.
Being still in silence. In criticism, listening rather than talking allows for self-awareness and mindfulness. Furthermore, listening rather than responding on impulse attunes us to better understand the other person and, more importantly, ourselves. Avoiding counter-criticism also decreases our tendency to form negative thoughts.
Breathing and taking a step back when necessary. Your body manifests overtly what we experience covertly. Even during a stressful or uncomfortable conversation, such as a sit-down for feedback, a fight-or-flight response may be displayed in some way.
To avoid tension and potential misunderstandings, remember to take a step back and let things settle before responding. A pause or space may be preferable on some occasions or for certain people.
“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”
Proverbs 29:11
Avoiding counter-criticism. Some criticisms may appear to be the other person asserting their own point of view to you, or they may appear to be an “attack,” which can cause discomfort. Instead of retaliating or exploding, think before you act. The other person may be coming from concern rather than assertion. Paraphrasing practice can also help you have better responses and have more healthy conversations.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1
Being prudent in picking your battles through criticism. Not all criticisms are about you. In the words of Joshua Fields Millburn on criticism and/or judgement: “Judgment is but a mirror that reflects the insecurities of the person who’s doing the judging”.
So be kind to others and to yourself.
Having an accountability buddy. No one is immune to criticism, but we can minimize or even eliminate the consequences if we can share our unsettling feelings with a trusted person. They can also assist you in discerning and navigating it because they know and value you. Remember that no path is ever journeyed alone.
Praying your truth. Criticisms can make us feel uneasy, overwhelmed, and even disturbed. But keep in mind that these feelings and emotions are valid and have been given to us for a reason. We can always surrender them to God, who is always willing to guide us and provide us with strength, understanding, and confidence when we lack them.
It is wise to accept criticism as an opportunity for growth through discipline and correction with humility (Proverbs 15:31-33) and kindness towards yourself. It may also open broken parts in you that have been long waiting for your attention and place them too in God’s hands for healing.
These can be difficult to begin with, but when we allow God’s grace to work in us, we can do anything.
After we finished our thesis and took the board exam, I said “yes” to several opportunities that came my way as a result of those victories. I was able to become an educator and present our paper — an answered prayer for me and my thesis partner — on three different occasions.
It was scary at first. Every time I was about to start the class or presentation, I was afraid again to be deemed not good enough. But I was ecstatic to share the importance of listening, the importance of caring for our mental health, and the significance of fathers in every household.
God directed my surrender and “yes” to His mission for me. The best part is that it rekindled my childhood dream of becoming an educator (which I used to swear I’d never pursue) and having you read this.
It also came to me that we must only grow through our shadows from others’ and even our own criticisms instead of living in them; and that what we can do and who we are is worth showing than never seeing the light of day for the greatness we are made of. And errors are just part of life that we must learn to let go after holding on to them.
When we do the same with our fears, insecurities, anxiety, and uncertainties, we allow God to use us to be salt and light in the world, reminding others that the only audience we ever need to please and applaud for us is the Father.
And it is only by doing and being that we will discover what and who we truly are. And may you choose to see yourself through God’s eyes as you do so.
