When I was in kindergarten, I wanted so bad to become a doctor. It was because I loved what seemed to me as a magical stethoscope. When I was in grade school, I wanted to become a detective agent. Then I dismissed the idea after realizing that my life would be at risk. When I was in high school, I wanted to become a marine biologist. But I recognized how I love marine but hate biology. Then, I was introduced to psychology in senior high. I loved it and love it still, but circumstances prevented me from taking the course.
I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Architecture. It was far from the many professions I dreamt of. I would love it and hate it, love it some more and hate it some more. But it was, I believe, what was necessary to bring out the best in me and to lead me to the very place I am today—one of joy and peace. Now, I am serving as a full-time lay missionary in a Catholic community. What a long and unexpected journey of discernment it was.
I do not intend to write about career or vocation. I will simply try to share why I still haven’t got a boyfriend at the age of twenty-something. It’s simple and complicated—I believe that real love waits.
I believe that a romantic relationship is a path that should lead to marriage and not to anything less. I believe that we don’t “fall” into love like losing control of ourselves; rather, “being” in love is a matter of a well-discerned choice of presence.
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The reason why kindergartens are not asked to take entrance exams for college is that they are yet to be equipped with both knowledge and experience, with both reason and judgment. The same reason is true why we’re not yet asked to choose a spouse in high school or college. Marrying would be ten or five years away at that point. There would still be many changing moments in our hearts. And even when we’re already twenty-something, we still can’t rush on romantic relationship. Love is not a race.
A boy-girl relationship is not something we enter just because all our friends are already into it. Only God knows how much changing of hearts we still need before He points out the right person. We are encouraged to wait on love until we are prepared to take on it, until we are able to keep our commitments in good times and in bad. As we find in the Song of Solomon, “I beg you, daughters of Jerusalem… not to arouse or stir up love before her time has come.”
But waiting on love is never easy. At twenty-something, we may have already allowed some facets of romantic attraction to block our way. Be on your guard. Hope in love, but strengthen your grounds on who needs to be entertained and who needs not. Here are just some of the many kinds of suitors who appear to be good and godly, but are not “the one.”
Mr. Popular – This is someone who says he really likes you but whose sincerity you can’t quite define. His effort is announced to the world. He gives stuffed toys, letters, and the like and does it all in public. He cuts short your theater practice so he can read his love letter allowed with an audience. He composes a song for you, writes and recites a descriptive piece for you. He lets your professors know that there’s a love team to be teased. “Sweet,” others may say, but do believe that love is truer when it can also be discreet.
Mr. Mentor – This one is a witness of your growth. You have journeyed with him for a long time. You grow from friends to close friends, to very close friends until you reach a point that you can’t label anymore. Not a day is spent without the other, not a deed is done without informing one another. But he doesn’t say a word. The matter confuses your heart. Romantic feelings can either lead or mislead. This kind of Mister promises you the latter. The next thing you know, he is close to another girl, again, without any label. You’ve always known that you deserve someone better. You’ve learned that from his mentorship.
Mr. Worshipper – This is someone who doesn’t know how to rely on God until you teach him the basics of prayer. You guide him to define love in different aspects. You see him mature in many admirable ways. You are friends. Then he falls for you. Then he depends on you. Then he doesn’t go to church anymore without you telling. Then he doesn’t pray anymore without you reminding. And he says he can’t live or can’t find joy when you’re not around. But you know you are not God and you would never want to be worshipped.
Mr. Just Unmatched – This is someone close to “the one.” He asks to court you. He understands when you don’t agree. He makes the necessary effort to know your parents, to bond with your siblings, to befriend your friends. He visits your home, even if it’s miles away. He shows support in all your activities, including those he would not prefer on his own. He is there when you grieve and rejoice, even when he has to keep his distance. He can endure your silence or rejection for a year, or two, three, four or more. You rate him A for the effort. But he is not of the same religion as you are. You differ in faith. He doesn’t understand why you’re devoted to Mary. He doesn’t pray for the soul of your brother who has gone. He has a different point of view from your stands with contraception and homosexuality. And you realize that religion is something you will never compromise, even with romantic love.
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Love is also flawed. It is not perfect, just perfectly crafted. Thus, love is still a very beautiful thing. We can’t be hooked with the thought of love and decide to settle with anyone of the above when we know, in our hearts, that love is something more.
I recall that in St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians (13:4–8), before he defined love as kind, without envy, not boastful, not arrogant and everything besides, he first mentioned that love is patient. Love is first patient before it is anything else. It is this same patience that guided me to discover that I am for mission—not for hospital, investigatory agency, underwater adventures, guidance office, or for buildings.
I admit I still feel the delight of receiving compliments and attention from crushes at this point, but I recognize love to be more than just a fleeting feeling. I am excited of how God is currently transforming my wants to purified desires, of how He is molding me to pass my own set of standards, of how He is saving me from the false notions of love and from suitors of different kinds.
I’m still familiar with the kind of excitement I felt when I was young and I was asked what I would like to be. I seemed to be very certain when I used to say “When I grow up, I want to be a doctor!” But I now know better the kind of joy and peace that my well-discerned choice has brought in my life. Thus, I put more worth on waiting. I urge you, let’s cooperate with God’s grace for the romantic aspect of our lives even at twenty-something. Let’s continue to aim that it leads to marriage, to family life, and beyond. God shall reveal “the one” at the right time. Be patient and wait on love.
