Theme parks hold a special place in my childhood heart. At age 4, I was in a constant state of being in awe with dancing lights and happy theme park songs. But one thing though, I was never really a theme park ride kind of a person. The idea of rides terrified me.
“I’m scared,” I told you when we were about to climb the stairs of one ride. “It’s okay, I’ll be here. I’ll hold your hand,” you said, and in that moment I knew that at a very young age, I already had a foretaste of what real love is.
Growing up, that idea of love grew with my journey as well. From being scared at theme park rides, to losing confidence because of a failed Math exam, to conflicts with Mum, and confusion on what path in the crazy world of future I’d have to take, you did not just made yourself present in my life, you also comforted me, cheered for me and supported me all the way. You were my number one fan and all-time cheer-upper, my constant prayer warrior and the only man who makes me feel at peace by just holding my hand.
I was a lot of things because of you – a dreamer, a doer, a fighter. In my lowest moments, you would always remind me of my childhood theme park days. Whenever you comfort me, or whenever you crack the silliest jokes, I am reminded of happy theme park songs, of funny clowns forming the weirdest balloon shapes and bubbles all over that says it’s okay and whenever you utter those words, things become more than okay – you always know the right words to say.
All my life, this was my idea of real love but things changed one evening in 2014. A random text message revealed to me that you had another family. Of course, I knew you more than any text message but at that moment, my life turned upside down, in that moment it felt as though I got lost in the middle of a theme park without you looking for me. So I cried, a lot, and then a little bit more, until tears were no longer enough. I tried to contain it to myself for a few days, tried investigating that actually resulted to nothing and though days proved that the text message was true, I still gave you a chance to explain – a chance that you just blew away, because one day, you just did not know what to say.
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I suffered every bit of pain after finding out what you did. I am reminded of this pain when I receive even the simplest rejection, when my ideas get disapproved, when things seem unclear, and when I feel terrified of what the future holds. Because of you, it’s so difficult for me to trust people, myself even more. Because of you, I hated the idea of love – the romantic, butterflies in your stomach type of love because if the very first person who was supposed to guard my heart dared to break it, what more the other guys who never really became part of my life? I hated the idea of getting hurt at the age when I already knew what it means to get hurt because the pain was so real, it was difficult to move on from it. I hated everything, but not you.
Life taught me to love you even more. When you chose to runaway with your other woman and kids, I chose to pray for you. What you did was wrong. The choices you are making today still do not lead you to making your life better. I had all the reasons to hate you and erase you from my life, but in my heart, you are still the man who held my hand when things seem difficult and unclear. In my heart, you are still my Dad and even if I had another choice, I’d still choose to love you because though you are no longer with us, you taught me what real love is – that it was never really about what you are receiving but it will always be about how you will still choose to give love despite whatever situation.
So to the man who taught me what real love is, thank you. Because of you I have come to realize that love doesn’t excuse one from getting hurt but instead, choosing to love will make you feel the right kinds of pain. Because of you I have come closer to God, the real Father who reminded me that Love never gives up and so I will never give on praying for you in hopes that one day, you will come back to God and to us, the family that He blessed you to have.
