It’s amazing how my job requires me to help shape others, to let them focus on loving their neighbors, including themselves, like how God loves us. Yet, human as I am, when hard times and people come, I still find it difficult to embrace the true essence of love. No matter how intensely I fight off being weak when it comes to completely loving others, my heart remains stiff. Worse, I had to admit to myself that I messed up a little on that part.
For so long, I’ve been building walls between me and people. I’ve come to believe that it is best to restrain from emotional attachment because, in reality, efforts and love never really seem to be enough for people. As I put that wall, I knew I was depriving myself of many things but as they say, “better safe than sorry.” But the more I played it safe, the more it became dangerous for me. I thought I was giving out unconditional love by looking after the joy of others, putting their concerns before my own and being empathetic to their emotional and spiritual needs. What I didn’t notice was that I was hungry for the exact same things. I was unconsciously desperate for friends, for company and for the love of others. The emotional distraction I thought I had put an early stop to; I actually gave the license to strike me back. It felt like a bull’s-eye right through my heart.
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I wanted to be loved the way I love people, but love has varying faces. Thus, I found myself building a great wall. I grew conceited, grumpy, suspicious, faultfinding. But the more I tried to “cure” myself with these “remedies”, the more I became unwell. When we rely on the capabilities of man, many things are impossible.
Loving others unconditionally is easier said than done. Our task to follow what Jesus has set upon seems complicated when we cannot even bear the spirit of true love. When the mind and heart are too crowded with suspicions and expectations, love becomes misunderstood. I lifted this concern to a priest and he said, “there is nothing wrong with you if you are seeking a reward when you love because there will always be a reward when we love but sometimes, not how we want it.”
And so I learned to heal myself with the best treatment – love as God loves. It’s so embarrassing waking up one morning and realizing that you haven’t really grasped the fullness of love. You talk, write and teach about it yet deep inside, you never wholly understand love.
The reason why Jesus took the blame and let himself be nailed on the cross, was not because it was easy, but because love was clear to him. He set no expectations. He had no suspicions. He simply gave his love and believed in God. We cannot love without believing in the totality of God. We cannot give what we don’t have. So might as well be like Jesus who gave only love, not asking for something in return yet in the end, conquered everything. If we can love like Jesus, we too, can experience a life of fullness in both heaven and here on earth.
I still struggle as I try to make love evident in my character as a woman, daughter, friend and missionary. It’s painful to detach from the life that I was used to – a life where I cared less and hurt less yet gave more love while receiving less. Now, I’m in a joyful journey of being more present, both loving and allowing myself to be loved. As I receive God, I am able to give a lot more, building the lovely heaven here on the unlovable world.
