We have known the love of God and have believed in it. God is love.
The one who lives in love lives in God and God in him.
—1 John 4:16
Together with the mood brought about by the announcement of the results of my mission work training, I found myself pondering on this verse more deeply. Love. God is love—perfect love.
The past three months of training allowed myself to see facets of me that I never knew existed. I was able to acknowledge my fears of loving and journeying with people. These are two of the greatest splendors of life, revealed to me through my family, community, friends, and relationships. But encounters with unpredicted trials of heart and faith blurred my view of these intricate beauties.
Fear-Finished Walls
Just when I thought I have known and experienced love at its fullest, God allowed me to journey in a path unknown. He gave me a younger brother whom I look out for and who looks out for me too, but in a snap, God took him away. He was led to heaven while I was left in tears. God had given me a dad for protection and guidance, my superhero since childhood; then He removed his powers and authority over my family as he was put to jail for something he did not commit. God gifted me with a family of love and faith; then He imposed to validate.
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He blessed me with two good-humored persons, sharing their joy; then after years of friendship, He allowed threats to inflict their lives. God heard my claims of victory when we learned of the diagnosis, saw me pacify their anger as they ranted with their plans, listened to my prayers as they weighed their bargains, felt my counsel at their depression, witnessed my tears as I tried to fight even while they were already at the point of accepting defeat.
I found myself face-to-face with abandonment, losses, and deaths. I used to journey intimately with people, but I got hurt a little too badly.
I believe in the power of love, but as I underwent series of these experiences from 2012 to 2014, I was acquainted with the power of pain. I came to a point of being unsure in dealing with people. I developed fear of attachment that could lead to loss, and this fear gave birth to a lot of more other fears. I was not even aware that my relationships with people since 2012 were being taken for granted, were becoming a bit superficial, almost mere obligatory, never truly as deep and as committed as before. I’ve managed to maintain a strong façade. I continued serving God. But unknowingly, I did not love at my best anymore.
By the grace of the Lord, I was introduced to this fearful side of me while I was on my mission work training. I was gently pushed and encouraged to love myself, to give myself more opportunities to grieve, to acknowledge my weaknesses, to be patient with my struggles, and to be open to people. Because I cannot, by any means, even if I declare my love for God over and over, love others fully without first loving myself.
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Fear-Tearing Love
I am not indifferent to the love that God has. I believe in it. Completely. I also believe that to live in God is to live in love. But I failed to realize that while love is a beautiful thing, so is pain. It was not stated, but it was greatly implied in 1 John. After all, to live in love is to live in God. And to live in God is to take up one’s cross daily and follow the Lord.
I remember how in the middle of the training the Lord spoke through my prayers firmly:
Anne, be vulnerable. It’s okay. It’s beautiful.
You will be attacked and harassed, but do not be afraid.
I was led to how God revealed this calling to me, why He was leading me to this life, which appears insane to many:
I will make known the holiness of my great Name because of you,
and they will know that I am Yahweh when I show them my holiness among you…
I shall give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you.
I shall remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:23, 26)
In 1 John, God made it clear that my foremost call is to live in love. The past three months turned out to be a wrestling of fear and courage, of love and complacency. And this is how life will be for me until victory is attained. I will patiently overcome because the Lord has called me for perfect love, not perfect fear.
Mission work is not only the fulfillment of God’s desires for me but also the realization of my own wanting. This is a lifelong journey of seeing, experiencing, and sharing God in the eyes of love that could and should drive out every fear.
