In our lives, it is natural for us to feel the need to heal or fix ourselves whenever we are hurt. It doesn’t matter how we got hurt – may it be physically or emotionally. But what actually matters is how we deal with the pain.
There are things that we thought could fix us yet end up damaging us even more. Just like a broken pavement, I tried to cover my damages so others won’t see. I drew a “band aid” on my wounds, thinking they will be all done and healed. And most of the time, a lot of us have this mentality. We settle with what we think could permanently fix the brokenness in us but these are usually the ones that are not strong enough to hold our broken pieces together. It will eventually crumble down once again. Whether we like it or not, we have to accept that that is just not how it works. If we are seeking to be truly healed, a band aid is not and will never be enough.
I used to love hurting myself. Not physically but emotionally and mentally. I used to do it a lot that it became a part of my routine. I had to struggle seeing my self-worth. I hated myself. I hated every inch of me. I knew all the flaws I have and every night, I count them in my head, crushing myself to tinier pieces. I did all of those so it would hurt less if the pain comes from someone else. I didn’t need anyone to hurt me by pointing my flaws out. I didn’t need anyone to tell me I wasn’t good enough. And I definitely did not need anyone to tell me that I didn’t deserve to be loved. Because I could do all of those things by myself. I could bring myself down lower than anyone could. I realized that I was never going to be fixed if the monster I have to bring down is my own self.
[second_picture]
A lot of things tried to play the role of a “band aid” in my life. I sought love from the wrong people in an attempt to heal or fix the cracks I had. I convinced myself that if I couldn’t love myself, then maybe somebody else can. If not, well, maybe at least that “someone” can teach me how to love. I used to give too much and expected love and approval in return, ending up disappointed and hurt. I thought maybe if I do the things they like, they might like me as well. I tried to change myself- the way I look, the way I spoke, even my own opinion on certain things. I agreed with other people’s opinions, even though I knew myself that we weren’t on the same stand.
For quite some time, I was satisfied. It was working and I felt like I belonged. It’s when I got tired that I realized I was desperately trying to be someone I’m not. I felt exhausted of trying and be satisfied with the “happiness” I thought was the true kind.
It wasn’t until I turned to Him that I felt my heart overflowing with so much love and true happiness for the first time. In that moment, I thought my heart was actually going to burst when I allowed myself to be embraced by His love. I will never forget that night when I was shouting my praises to Him so loud, I couldn’t hear myself anymore. I didn’t care about the people around me, I just had to let the world know that my God, my Saviour, is the true happiness I’ve been looking for. His presence was so strong that I just couldn’t ignore it. And I’m not planning to ignore it ever again. I’m doing myself a huge favor of preventing myself from getting hurt again.
[second_picture]
I am thankful for a lot of blessings in my life. Indeed, there is just so much to be thankful for. But what I am most thankful for, is the moment I came back to Him. The fairytale-like moment when I ran back to my God with His arms wide open, and embraced me for who I am and not for what I’ve done. Because if I hadn’t returned to whom I truly belonged, I wouldn’t know the true meaning of love. If it wasn’t for His love, I would have never known how to give love. I would have never known how to properly love myself, my family and the people around me. Everything starts with love, His love.
I was once a broken pavement that tried to cover up my flaws. Today, there are still some times when I find myself feeling unworthy again. And just like in the past, I don’t need anyone to hurt me by pointing my flaws out, to tell me I am not good enough and to tell me that I don’t deserve to be loved. But this time, it’s not because I could do all of those to myself, but because I am saved by His grace. I will not let anyone define me based on my flaws. I will not let anyone make me believe that I am not deserving to be loved and accepted. Because now, I know for certain that I have someone who died for me because He loves me. I have someone who makes me feel that I am so much more and that I am capable to love and be loved in return.
Yes, I may have only Him to heal every broken piece in me, but He alone suffices.
