I hated myself. I hated myself so much that I self-inflict wounds. I even attempted to commit suicide because the world would be a better place without me and because I am better off dead. Self-pity was my number one hobby. I was a huge “emo” – as what people would call those who are overly emotional and always sad.
Because I hated myself so much, I was not comfortable being alone. I always needed a companion – someone to go to the mall with, someone to eat with and even someone to sleep with. I get jealous when my friends hangout without me. I always thought that going somewhere with friends was the best source of fun.
My self-worth was lower than any failing grade. I’d often get into relationships with the opposite gender because I was craving some sort of approval. The worst part was I could not commit to a lasting relationship so not one lasted long enough. I was selfish. I only thought of the love and approval that I’d get. I didn’t bother to give the same love and approval to others.
But let me tell you what I learned: being in a relationship never fixes the way you see your self-worth. It can only either postpone that certain brokenness or can worsen the damage. No one completely fixes anyone. We can help but we can never be the healer. Some wounds are within us because of our own doing and those wounds can only be mended by the choice of the inflictor.
It took me a long time to fix my own brokenness. It turned to be a very long journey. I lost some friends during the process, but I’ve also identified the ones who are real. I got cynical. I faced some truths that were hard to accept. I cried. I cried a lot.
I realized that all the men I’ve been with were not the ones I needed. The only one who could fulfill my heart’s longing has been in front of me all along. It was God. It is God. It will always be God. It’s not that I didn’t know Him back then; I was just poor in listening and even in choosing whom to listen to. When we think so much of what others have to say about us, we welcome and embrace a noise that is louder than the voice that we should be hearing most.
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I learned to focus on what God has to say; that I am enough, that I am worthy of love, that He made me for a reason and that I am beautiful in my own way. Slowly, I was healed. One by one, He tapped on every wound that I had. I went through the experience of hurt as God touched my wounds and work His healing powers, but I allowed Him to have His way.
I’ve been single since then, but I am never uncomfortable with it. I go to cafés alone and still enjoy my coffee. I eat out alone and still savor every bite. I travel alone and still get excited about it. I realized that when you get to enjoy your own company, you’d get to be more appreciative of everything else around you.
Being alone gives me time to reflect, to listen and to pray to Him more. It also makes me love myself more and more. It gives me more chance to discover myself, to invest for my future and to work on fulfilling my dreams. It gives me time to plan on the things that I have to do.
However, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine in being alone. Sometimes, it could make us indifferent of the needs of others. It could make us become too self-involved. It could also serve as the devil’s opportunity to show up. Thus, even while living a life of singlehood, my advice is for us to guard and guide our thoughts, to always acknowledge God in the things that we do and think of.
Single or in a relationship, God calls us to uphold our self-worth. God loves us, so we should love ourselves too. Even when we lose track of where we should be, He will never give up on us, so we should not give up on ourselves too. We don’t need another person to affirm our worth; God has already defined it on the cross. He wants us to enjoy the company of others and to enjoy our own.
