For someone who’s experiencing same sex attraction, being out could be a dreadful thing but also freeing.
Some would even celebrate this especially in the company of friends. But is this the real freedom or just an illusion of it?
When I was in grade school, I knew something was different in me. It was brought by the situation of our family.
My father was an OFW, so he was not present most of the time. My mother had to step in his shoes. At a young age, I witnessed how my mom got frustrated with my dad, and how she perceived him as someone who’s irresponsible and unloving. Because of this, my young heart was drawn to emulate my mother.
I started to secretly embrace that I was gay. I found myself crushing over boys my age. I was having fun. I was afraid and excited at the same time. I was teased and bullied because of my effeminate ways.
Unknowingly, my yearning for a masculine presence was sadly being sexualized.
In college, there were many times that I fought back my feelings. I knew that it was not right, and it was shameful. There were many times I would convince myself that I can change, but I failed miserably. I was fooling people. I had no one to confide to or ask help from.
I entered same-sex relationships. It felt freeing – being away from my parents and being able to live who I wanted to be, going to clubs, getting drunk and joining gay social groups – it became my lifestyle.
I was finally out of my shell, but at the same time, I kept it as a secret from a Catholic Lay Community I was serving. I lived a double life. I was unashamed because I was having the time of my life.
Until, a brother of mine accidentally found out about my relationships and lifestyle. I thought he would be disgusted, but he offered his brotherhood even more. He accepted me for who I was, yet he did not tolerate me. He even believed there will come a day that I will change, and my story would inspire others.
I just shrugged off the idea. I was even ready to join a Christian church that marries same sex couples. I was happy by the world’s definition of it, but my heart was restless, and peace was elusive. There was a void in my heart no same sex relationship could fill.
Fast-forward, I was led to a Roman Catholic Apostolate called Courage. It is a community for those with Same Sex Attractions but desire chastity and purity. Hope became real to me. The Catholic Church became a home for a person like me who struggled with SSA.
I began my journey back to God’s arms.
The first step was to break free from my relationship. It was painful for I thought it was real love. And it wasn’t just him that I had to leave, but also the lifestyle that I have gotten used to. Slowly, I can feel I was standing on solid ground.
I realized that this battle must not be fought alone. If I desired freedom, I must surrender fully to the Father and I had to seek help. I was stepping into the light. I continued with these small steps, I felt this was the freedom that my heart was yearning for.
I started opening up to the Catholic Lay Community I belonged to. That prayer a brother once told me was in a way prophetic. It became my desire as well to let other people know especially those with SSA that, change and authentic freedom is possible with God’s grace. Painful and hard, yes. But all roads that lead to peace and real love are filled with sacrifices and selflessness.
This for me, is authentic freedom. To stir away from the bondage of my flesh and embrace a fuller life with Christ. As this lost sheep had been led home, so too must I guide others into the light and into the Father’s embrace.
I am free and true freedom became evident in my life when I truly and wholly embraced the man that God created me to be.
My dear friends, if in one way or another, you are struggling to be free, I hope God will grant you the grace of courage to let go and let Him.
